This is my journal from a recent weekend retreat I attended. Throughout my entire spiritual journey I’ve attended just three retreats, this being the most recent. The first was at Mt. Shasta, presented by Dr. Susan Shumsky. It was an amazing experience, mainly because of Mt. Shasta’s majesty, good friends and the group meditations.

The second was a “Diksha” retreat presented by Sai Maa Lakshmi Devi and held near in Bryn Mawr, Pennsylvania. This was an expensive retreat and it seemed to me that far too much of our money went toward flowers for Sai Maa. I was also bothered by the adulation and fawning over this woman who was (to me) simply a human being. I admired her numerous great accomplishments, but had no inclination to worship her! My attitude was not okay. Further, I was expected to bow down in obeisance to her handlers and their demands. I was quite rebellious. All in all, it was an interesting and enlightening experience, but not in the way I had expected. 

My experience with Amy Barnes and Gray Bear Lodge was not expensive, not far away and totally, unexpectedly delightful. In all respects, I was at liberty to be Liberty. Utterly refreshing, just as a retreat should be.  ~ Libby

Amy Barnes’ Bhakti Yoga Retreat

Gray Bear Lodge near Hohenwald,Tennessee

September 30, 2011, Friday

I left the house at 2:15, a little nervous about driving the distance but far too excited not to go. The day was gorgeous; ultra blue sky, cool 70° temps.Tennesseedoes not get any better than this!

Pleasant driving down I-65 to Columbia…and still how long to go? I continued from interstate to state highway to county road to country road to dirt road, passing through a couple of tiny towns with still-operating Mom & Pop stores and a few more that didn’t make it, past wealthy horse farms with manicured lawns and poor-but-proud farmsteads. There were two churches, both Baptist, having their annual tent revivals, chairs evenly spaced under awnings and banners proclaiming the news. The bumpy clay and rock road to Gray Bear Lodge didn’t even have a name, and couldn’t be located on Google Maps. You still had to know somebody to get the directions!

Up and up the final hill and there it is…ahh, Gray Bear Lodge…I spied the wide porch with a huge hammock and really long chimes…oh yeah. I’m gonna like this place! Driving around to the entrance, I was greeted by a very fine young man who asked my name and said “Welcome Libby! You’re in the stained glass room up there” with a smile and a wave of his hand, pointing out the vibrant window of “my” room. Seeing my bag in the back seat, he opened the back door and proceeded with “I’ll just take this up for you and Adam (co-host of Gray Bear) will show you where to park” as another hunk of a man showed up with a flourish and a dazzling smile. “Just right around behind that green Ford,” he grinned. I parked the car and left cars and travel and the rest of the world behind.

The lodge has a “no shoes” policy, so there is screened entry with a church pew for the taking off and putting on of shoes. I noted the bulletin board with the handwritten Bhakti Yoga Retreat schedule and some sign-up sheets, along with groups of shelves for shoes and other belongings.

From there, the loved-smooth rugged door opened on to a delightful riot of conversation, delicious cooking aromas and an almost other-worldly realm of barely-contained enthusiasm; a definite undercurrent of joy. Adam caught my eye and cocked his head and when I replied without thinking “the stained glass room” he burst out laughing and, seeming to spring across the space between us, said “this way, my dear.” He led me across the huge open room, up a spiral staircase, back across the huge open room on a suspended log hallway, through a large dormer room to the smaller stained glass room. Saying “take your pick” and giving a quick tour of the room (four twin beds in four corners!) Adam bowed namasté, eyes twinkling. Before I could thank him he had disappeared.

My bag was on the right-hand bed. I moved it to left-hand bed just because I could!

I wandered around the upstairs of the lodge to find the bathrooms (just two – we would have to be very cooperative) and see all the other bedrooms. There was sleep space for lots of people in the lodge, maybe 30 upstairs quite comfortably. There were also several private cabins available. At either end of the suspended log hallway were landings filled with hand-crafted spiritual goods like pottery pieces, jewelry and shawls, along with the books and CDs of visiting artists.

Downstairs, I wandered past the massive rock two-sided fireplace into the kitchen area to get some of the hot tea others were drinking. The rustic shelves above the tea-making stuff carried a hodge-podge of ceramic mugs and cups. Diann (co-host of Gray Bear) was writing the evening’s menu on the blackboard: red lentil soup, happiness salad with cilantro dressing and warm homemade bread. She turned and smiled with open innocence and I felt myself to be in the presence of an ancient Earth spirit reborn. A little bit stunned (am I still in Tennessee?) my mind flashed on the revival tents I had passed a very short time ago and I shook my head to try and balance things out!

Holding my tea in both hands, I headed toward the big porch with the hammock and chimes. Four others were out there sipping tea and chatting. It felt very easy and comfortable to begin conversations because the relaxed yet energizing air of Gray Bear was upon us all. Instant kinship seemed very normal here. A lovely woman from northern Alabama was in the giant hammock and to her giggling delight, discovered a rope attached that when gently pulled made the hammock swing. Suddenly happy children, we were all laughing with joy about taking a relaxing swing in the hammock. I’m sure I was not the only one who decided to try out the hammock as soon as it was available!

There was a bit of bustle in the large central room of the lodge as the low tables and cushions were assembled for dinner, and soon the dinner bell rang. Mouths watering because the aromas just got better and better, we gathered in the kitchen to fill our bowls and plates with the delicious organic vegetarian meal. The conversation was lively and friendships instant. There were no strangers in this place.

After our meal we gathered the cushions into a circle and Adam began the story of Gray Bear Lodge and to tell us what to expect. The lodge has a sauna and cooling pool, a swimming pool and a hot tub (all wood-fired), plus spaces for different types of massage and healing modalities. He told us about the land Gray Bear had just saved from clear-cutting; land that had a gorgeous waterfall. Diann was organizing a drive followed by a hike to the waterfall on Saturday afternoon and we were free to sign up. I decided to do so. But what he said next was astounding: he told us we were free. We were free to sign up for anything and everything; we were free to do nothing at all, not even attend the bhakti sessions we had already paid for. After dark, we were free to wear clothing or not in the hot tub and the sauna. We were freed of time; too, because he told us he would ring the bell shortly before every meal and every class time. Adam’s idea of freedom was most exhilarating. Adam and Amy gave a few more brief introductory remarks and we pulled on jackets and sweaters, found our flashlights and water bottles and headed to the “yoga room.”

Down the rocky path, we followed our flashlights to the “Path of Light,” a raised wooden walkway recently and lovingly installed, leading maybe a third of a mile down and then up numerous steps to the yoga room on top of another hill. The yoga room was a beautifully appointed, airy masterpiece of woodland perfection. Again, I felt disoriented as to place – can this really be here, in Christian fundamentalist land?

Each of us had our yoga mat and blanket already prepared, and each of us had our own little candle with our names on the lid. Like children, we compared candles and explored the room, with its high ceiling and windowed wall, beautiful gleaming wood floor and large altar space filled with musical instruments, drums and images and statues of Hindu gods and saints. Indian temple incense was burning, but unobtrusive. I was in bliss and we hadn’t even started.

We quieted and Amy began the sankalpa meditation. With great skill and obvious devotion, she wove her words into and out of the sound of the drone and Thomas’ equally skillful soft drumming. She asked that we consider our intention for the weekend and commit to it.

I already knew my intention. It had to do with a revelatory vision of about a year earlier, a vision that came in response to my heart-felt desire to help heal the mass consciousness of the world’s people so that we can overcome many messes we have created with our lack of awareness. Like Einstein said, “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it,” so I knew this was a tall but necessary order. In the vision, I was literally knocked over by the massive bolt of Light and Sound which conveyed to my consciousness, “You will receive the consciousness of the Sun.”

When I have visions, it can take a good while to a) translate the vision into words so that I can at least explain it to myself, b) learn to accept it as true, because resistance is ultimately futile, and c) integrate the vision into my body/mind, so that I can act on it. At first, I was actively resistant, believing it to be completely impossible. But God is a mighty trickster and has infinity ways to grace-fully turn the screws until you shout to the Universe OKAY! Thy Will be done! The first thing that happened was an email from Exotic India, a website vendor of fabulous hand-crafted art and goods from India. The email was all about Surya, Hindu God of the Sun, and one of the products was an exquisite batik wall hanging which is now on the west wall of my bedroom.

The next turning of the screw was a book suggestion from Amazon.com for a truly obscure book written by a Hindu “nath,” sort of a high priest of Hinduism. Dutifully, I ordered Wings to Freedom: Mystic Revelations from Babaji & the Himalayan Yogis by Yogiraj Gurunath Siddhanath. The author faithfully practiced and recommended (wouldn’t you know) Sun-gazing for health and ultimate enlightenment. He said that to be a “solar initiate” is the highest calling.  To my astonishment, although there was quite a bit that was outside my all-American experience, nothing in the book was beyond my understanding.

The Sun began to call to me. Kind of haphazardly, I did begin the practice of Sun-gazing, even though everything in my upbringing said NO! Don’t DARE gaze directly at the Sun! Sun-gazing is done just at dawn and just before sunset, when the Sun is least powerful. You build up your eyes by gazing directly at the Sun for 10 seconds and add seconds each day. Don’t try this yourself unless and until you do the research, but Sun-gazing is a powerful, energizing experience. I can’t say that it has “done” anything to me or for me (yet) but like I said before, God has infinity ways about most of which we don’t and often can’t have a clue.

During the same time, I was (and am) working on my second book to be titled One Becomes One. My first book, I Am Liberty told of my visionary spiritual journey. In actuality, I Am Liberty was a 279-page prayer, answered in total when I met and married my husband Ahyh, who is more than a soul-mate: he is my twin flame. Long story short, I “met” him when doing a web search for images of God and sent my last review copy to him when he agreed to review it. He read the book in one sitting (to “get this crazy woman off my back”) and called me that same night, realizing that if I was in reality the person in the book, he was completely in love with me. We were married, sight unseen, six weeks later, and that story is how One Becomes One begins.

One Becomes One, however, is more than a story of two people meeting in a wild synchronistic way – it is to be my visionary prayer for the entire world. “Without a vision, the people perish” (Proverbs 29:18) is a drum-beat verse throughout my body/mind. God’s people need not just my vision but thousands of visions that will not come from the level of mind that created the messes we’re currently facing. Writing this book calls for the consciousness of the Sun, and I know it. Profoundly.

Still, I am quite human and resist my purpose! So my intention for the bhakti weekend was to release all resistance and forms of resistance (procrastination, distraction, etc.) and all fears from all lifetimes that prevent forward movement and acceptance of the consciousness of the Sun. I will myself to be a solar being, capable of reaching for and bringing in YHWH’s vision for the people of Earth…and writing it all down. And when I shared what sounds (to most) like a ridiculous, arrogant intention out loud to the group, I could feel their hushed assent, something that is a revelation all by itself (am I still in Tennessee?)

 October 1, 2011, Saturday

The sound of the Adam’s bell awakened most of us, but I was already up and showered for the day, the one and only advantage of having hot flashes repeatedly waking me up!  Breakfast was scrumptious: savory Indian cereal, quinoa with cilantro, “happy” eggs, fresh apple juice, whole grain bagels…and I just remembered I still need to google the recipe for savory Indian cereal. Honestly, you should go to Gray Bear just to try this breakfast!

The morning’s bhakti yoga session began with deep, guided breathing, first in savasana (lying down, relaxed) and then in seated pose. Beginning with the base chakra and moving to the crown, beautiful Amy spoke with great knowledge and authority about the energy centers (chakras) and the Hindu mother-goddess traditionally associated with each, all while maintaining her hypnotic way of leading our deep, rhythmic breathing. Thomas Anderson’s tandem drumming perfection over the sound of the drone made the rhythm easy for even those who were beginners, and allowed me to fall into the vastness of my third eye almost instantly. Focused on the inner, the outer sounds of Amy’s voice, the drone, Thomas’ hands drumming and the breath sounds of my neighbors became one living pulsation.

I could feel the breath coming into my crown while physically entering my nostrils and traveling down my front body. Simultaneously, I felt the upward surge of energy/space in my back body, making way for the entering energy/air. Amazed, I felt myself to be breathing in and out at the same time.

Amy spoke of Shiva and Shakti and I could feel the cooling breath (ida) on the left side of my body and the golden smile of Shakti bloomed on my face, while at the same time I felt the warming breath (pingala) on the right side of my body (feeling split in half this way strangely seemed entirely normal) as the ash-covered and stern expression of Shiva was also my expression. I felt myself to be the balanced duality of Shiva and Shakti shown in Hindu statues and paintings for centuries, both male and female, both human and divine.

My human understanding heard Amy ask us to release our fears. In a nanosecond vision that made me laugh (out loud? I don’t know) I saw fear as a doorway to walk through. There were surreal flames surrounding the doorway, and as I walked toward it, at first I thought my inner vision was fractured, but then I realized the flames were a shimmering hologram that was disappearing as I approached!

Still talking about the chakras, Amy reached the third eye in her mesmerizing explanation/meditation. My focus was already there, and instead of the wondrous blue light I usually see, I saw a single, spellbindingly gorgeous eye. My third eye, completely revealed to me, floated unblinking in my awareness for a long, long time. Even though I realized I could do so, I did not take my inner gaze away from it.

The morning’s bhakti session continued with more yoga asanas; we sang the Gayatri mantra and an energetic song to Radhe. All the while my inner focus remained on the eye.

After another delectable and decidedly southern meal of blackeyed peas, kale and collards, sweet potatoes and cornbread, we were well and truly free to spend our afternoon taking advantage of the Gray Bear’s relaxing offerings or doing nothing at all. With just a little bit to think about and integrate, I decided to forgo the waterfall trip and spend some time alone in the sweetness of nature.

Taking a yoga blanket, I walked the raised wooden Path of Light toward the yoga room but took a detour to spread my blanket beneath a sycamore tree beside a little creek. The only sounds were nature sounds – no airplanes, no cars, no electric motors…nothing but birdsong and gurgling water, leaves rustling and little woodland creatures. The Sun was high in the sky and her light dappled the ground around me in ever-changing patterns. After a little Sun-gazing through the leafy canopy, I closed my eyes and listened to the sound of the creek water splashing over roots and rocks. The sound created an image in my consciousness of miniscule raindrops of ones and zeroes, like a constant shower of information flowing from God-mind, received by those whose minds are open and ready to receive.

I realized my immense gratitude for my darling husband, my family and friends. My daily life is lived in service to the purpose I share with my husband, to maintaining our home, our ministry and our business affairs, and I love my life. Today I serve my Self in gratitude to Amy and to Gray Bear for creating this opportunity.

Before the dinner bell rang, I saw my chance: the hammock was empty…for me! Ahh…

After another wonderful meal, the gathering dispersed to make ready for the evening’s festivities. Full of anticipation and chatting like old and beloved friends, we made our way back to the transformed yoga room. An entire Kirtan band was assembled on the stage/altar, with harmonium, drums, Amy’s guitar and a stringed instrument no Hindu has ever used in Kirtan – a banjo! We sang and danced and had a thoroughly inspired and wonderful evening, floating in Hari-Bolo! and complete bliss.

Internal note to self: get Amy’s Kirtan CD!

I was not alone in finding it utterly remarkable that a group of (mostly) middle-aged white people from the South can/would/did gather to sing Hindu Kirtan in Hohenwald, Tennessee, just about the most fundamentalist Christian part of the entire USA. But here we were, and yes we did!

 October 2, 2011, Sunday

As we gathered Sunday morning in the yoga room for another bhakti session, I sent my love to my darling husband while back at home he began the first Bible study around our new collaborative book titled The Future Testament, something we’re both quite  nervous (we’re still in Tennessee!) and incredibly excited about.

Meanwhile, Amy began our class by teaching the So-Ham meditation. We were all lying down in savasana. She explained that So, the in-breath, is Shakti, the enlivening force or movement, while Ham, the out-breath, is Shiva, the ground of all being. I felt my back body to be rooting into the Earth, little energetic rootlets actually reaching down through the floor into the ground beneath. My front body felt open to the atmosphere of spirit, free-floating yet still attached. Soon thereafter I was profoundly out of body and have not yet remembered what happened in my consciousness except to know that it was quite a while later when Amy re-awakened us to human consciousness and we circled our blankets to share our weekend experiences.

My sharing included a little of what I have written here about the doorway of fear, and I expressed my heartfelt desire to feel the freedom of Gray Bear every day of my life.

My truest bow of namasté to Adam and Diann for creating such a place.

Deep love and namasté to Amy Barnes, my sister in devotion. She is well-named Nandini, daughter of bliss.